Self-esteem is not just about “feeling good about yourself.” It’s a much deeper inner state: the conviction that you have value, even when you make mistakes or go through difficult times. It’s the foundation upon which your emotional well-being, your ability to face challenges, and your relationship with the world are built.
However, maintaining healthy self-esteem isn't always easy. We live in a highly competitive environment, with impossible standards driven by social media and a constant discourse of success that often ignores the most essential thing: we are valuable simply for existing, not just for achieving.
Below you will discover seven practical steps, backed by scientific research, to strengthen your self-esteem, with examples, exercises, and reflections so you can put them into practice starting today.
1. Reformulate the error: make mistakes to grow
One of the greatest enemies of self-esteem is the belief that making mistakes is synonymous with personal failure. Many people harshly criticize themselves for every error, as if that defined their worth. However, making mistakes is the fundamental mechanism by which our brain learns and adapts.
Think of a child learning to walk. They fall dozens of times. They don't feel like a failure or give up trying; their body and mind process those "fails" as valuable information to do better the next time. That's how learning works at all levels.
A real-world example: venture capital
In the United States, especially in Silicon Valley's entrepreneurial ecosystem, venture capitalists often value past failures in entrepreneurs. They're interested in knowing how many times an entrepreneur has made mistakes, how hard the setbacks were, and, above all, what they learned from them. A history of failed attempts—handled responsibly—doesn't detract from, but rather enhances, confidence. It's the equivalent of a practical master's degree, with lessons that are hard to forget.
That shows something key: making a mistake doesn't diminish your worth. It simply indicates that you dared to try something new.
📝 Practical exercise
The next time you make a mistake or something doesn't go as planned, write it down in a notebook in three columns:
What exactly happened?
What can you learn from this?
What would you do differently next time?
End with a compassionate phrase like, "I'm learning, and that already makes me move forward."
2. Improve your self-talk: become your own best ally
The inner voice you talk to can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Many people have a ruthless inner dialogue, repeating phrases like "I'm a disaster," "I'm no good at this," "Who would ever love me like this?" This self-talk is not harmless: it shapes your self-perception, your emotions, and your behavior.
🔬 Scientific support: the inner monologue at a distance
Psychologist Ethan Kross of the University of Michigan has investigated how changing the way you talk to yourself influences your emotional state. He discovered that using the third person or your own name when thinking about a problem—what he calls self-distancing —reduces stress and improves decision-making. For example, saying, “How can Martha handle this difficult situation?” creates mental space that lessens emotional intensity and allows you to respond with more clarity and self-compassion.
📝 Practical exercise
Whenever you feel your inner dialogue becoming critical, rephrase it using your name: "How can Laura deal with this calmly?"
Write it down on a piece of paper and observe how the bodily sensation changes.
If you prefer, imagine you're talking to a very dear friend and say exactly what you would say to yourself. Does it sound just as harsh? If not, adjust your tone.
3. Practice positive reinforcement: acknowledge what you do well (and how you do it)
One of the most damaging habits for self-esteem is ignoring or minimizing achievements. We tend to focus on what's missing, what we haven't achieved, or our flaws. This trains our brain to register the negative more than the positive.
Educational psychology has shown for decades that positive reinforcement is essential, not only for children but also for adults. Recognizing effort and strategies, rather than just results, fosters a growth mindset that builds confidence.
🧪 The evidence: studies by Carol Dweck
Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck showed that praising effort, strategy, and perseverance, rather than innate talent, fosters resilience and self-esteem. People praised for how they approach problems tend to be more daring, accept challenges, and learn from failures, instead of avoiding situations for fear of failing.
📝 Practical exercise
Every night before going to sleep, write down three things you did well that day in a notebook. They don't have to be great feats. It could be: "I patiently replied to an awkward email," "I prepared a healthy meal," or "I decided to rest even though I had a million things to do."
Then add: “I recognize myself for…” and complete with the quality or effort that was behind it (patience, organization, self-care).
4. Lower your expectations of yourself: you don't need to be perfect to be worthwhile
Many people live with such high standards that even when they achieve important things, they feel it's not enough. This constant perfectionism is exhausting, generates anxiety, and ultimately fosters a very fragile self-esteem, one that depends on performance rather than simply being.
🔬 Scientific evidence
A meta-analysis published in Clinical Psychology Review (2020), which reviewed dozens of studies, concluded that perfectionism is closely linked to higher levels of anxiety, depression, and self-criticism. In contrast, learning to relax standards is associated with greater well-being and a more stable self-esteem.
📝 Practical exercise
Make a list of your "shoulds": "I should always be happy," "I should be the best at my job."
Next to it, he rephrases it in a more realistic tone: “I prefer to be well, but it’s okay if some days I’m not.”
Place the list somewhere visible to remind yourself that being imperfect doesn't diminish your value.
5. Cultivate self-compassion: be kind to yourself when you need it most
Self-compassion is the art of treating yourself with the same love and understanding you would show a loved one going through a difficult time. It's not self-indulgence or self-pity. It's recognizing your shared humanity: we all suffer, we all make mistakes, and that doesn't make us unworthy of love.
📚 Key research: Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer
In a 2017 study published in the journal Mindfulness, Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer demonstrated that brief self-compassion training programs reduced self-criticism and strengthened self-esteem even months later. Practicing self-compassion is associated with less anxiety, less shame, and a greater capacity for emotional resilience.
📝 Practical exercise (from the book The Power of Mindfulness )
Place your hand on your heart or abdomen, close your eyes, and breathe deeply.
Repeat to yourself: “This hurts. It’s difficult. May you treat me with kindness right now.”
Notice the warmth of your own hand. Let it act like a balm.
6. Surround yourself with environments and people that are good for you.
Not everything depends on your inner world. Self-esteem flourishes or withers depending on the environment in which you cultivate it. If you spend a lot of time with hypercritical, competitive people, or those who make you feel inferior, you'll end up absorbing those messages, whether you want to or not.
🔬 Scientific evidence
A longitudinal study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2021) followed hundreds of people for more than a decade. It found that those who maintained warm, supportive relationships had more stable and higher self-esteem over the years. Nurturing relationships are a long-term protective factor.
📝 Practical exercise
Map your closest relationships. With whom do you feel free to be authentic? Who drains you or criticizes you excessively?
Decide on a small step to get closer to the first ones: plan a coffee, send a message, or propose a plan.
If you identify someone who is very critical, try putting some distance between yourself or limiting the topics you share.
7. Learn to set boundaries: protecting yourself is also a way of loving yourself
Setting boundaries is an essential act of self-esteem. It means recognizing your needs and establishing what you are willing to accept and what you are not. It's a way to protect your time, energy, and emotions.
🔬 Scientific curiosity
A study published in Frontiers in Psychology (2020) found that people with more assertive skills in expressing their needs and saying "no" have less self-esteem dependent on external approval and more satisfying relationships.
📝 Practical exercise
Think of a recent situation where you agreed to something you didn't want to do. What would you have needed to say or do?
Write a simple phrase to use next time, such as: “I can’t right now, but thank you for thinking of me.”
Practice saying that phrase out loud. It might sound awkward at first, but each time you do it, you'll be reinforcing your self-esteem.
Conclusion: Self-esteem is built step by step
Strengthening your self-esteem isn't a one-week project, nor a goal you reach once and for all. It's a lifelong journey, made up of small, everyday gestures. Every time you choose to see mistakes as learning opportunities, change your self-talk, acknowledge your progress, lower your expectations, practice self-compassion, cultivate healthy relationships, or set boundaries, you're building a strong bond with yourself.
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