Index

• 1. What is self-esteem?

• 2. What factors influence self-esteem?

• 3. How to know if I have good or bad self-esteem

• 4. How psychological therapy can improve self-esteem

• 5. 8 Keys to improving self-esteem

1. What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem, at its core, is our internal perception of our own worth. It's a complex emotional construct encompassing both conscious and unconscious evaluations of our own value. Yet, do we truly understand what it means? Today, this word seems to have been used in so many contexts that its true depth has been diluted. Is self-esteem simply feeling good about oneself? It's not that simple. Self-esteem is composed of different, interwoven layers that ultimately determine how we engage with the world.

According to psychologists, self-esteem has three key components:

• Self-image: How we see ourselves, both physically and psychologically.

• Self-efficacy: The belief in our ability to solve problems and achieve goals.

• Self-esteem: The sense that we deserve love, respect, and success.

As Carl Rogers, one of the fathers of humanistic psychology, said: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change.” This statement invites deep reflection on the power of self-acceptance as the foundation of any improvement. Self-esteem is not a mask of perfection, but a dynamic construct that evolves with self-understanding.

A key aspect of self-esteem is how it relates to our attachment style. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, suggests that early relationships with our caregivers profoundly influence our ability to develop healthy self-esteem. Children who grow up in environments where they receive consistent emotional attention and support tend to develop a secure attachment, which strengthens their self-worth. On the other hand, those who experience an insecure attachment may have difficulty trusting their own value and that of others.

2. What factors influence self-esteem?

Self-esteem doesn't arise from nothing. It's the result of an intricate web of factors that, throughout our lives, shape how we perceive ourselves. These factors include our early childhood experiences, family relationships, education, and social interactions. Furthermore, there's a cultural aspect we can't ignore: social expectations and norms also play a crucial role in shaping our self-esteem.

But these factors aren't limited to the external world. Our internal thoughts and beliefs exert a powerful influence on how we see ourselves. According to Albert Ellis, a pioneer of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, "It's not the events that make us feel bad, but our interpretation of those events." Thus, the same events can be perceived very differently depending on our emotional filter, and this filter directly affects our self-esteem.

Understanding these factors helps us realize that we are not defined by what has happened to us, but by how we choose to interpret it. In this sense, it is crucial to learn to identify and question negative beliefs that may be eroding our self-esteem, often without our awareness.

Along these same lines, another key factor is the attribution style we adopt. Attribution style refers to how we explain the events that happen to us. People with healthy self-esteem tend to have an optimistic attribution style; that is, when they experience success, they attribute it to their abilities and efforts; when they experience failure, they see it as temporary or related to external factors.

On the other hand, some factors can damage self-esteem, such as perfectionism. Perfectionists often set unattainable goals, and when they fail to meet them, their self-criticism intensifies. Likewise, the tendency to compare oneself to unattainable ideals—whether with other people or with unrealistic versions of oneself—can quickly erode self-esteem.

Another common factor is the difficulty in valuing one's own achievements. Those who minimize their successes or believe that it is never enough tend to have low self-esteem, as they do not recognize their progress or their true abilities.

3. How to know if I have good or bad self-esteem

Assessing our self-esteem isn't always easy, as it can fluctuate throughout our lives. However, there are clear signs that can indicate whether our self-esteem is healthy or not. Healthy self-esteem is manifested in the ability to accept oneself, trust one's own decisions, and establish relationships based on mutual respect.

On the other hand, low self-esteem is reflected in constant self-criticism, difficulty accepting one's own achievements, and a need for external validation. This type of self-esteem is often related to an insecure attachment style, since people with this type of attachment tend to have a more negative view of themselves and others.

As Nathaniel Branden, a leading theorist in the field of self-esteem, said, “Self-esteem is not a luxury; it is a necessity.” If you find it difficult to trust your abilities or if you feel insecure in most areas of your life, your self-esteem may be damaged and in need of attention.

4. How psychological therapy can improve self-esteem

Psychological therapy becomes a safe space where we can explore and challenge the beliefs that have been undermining our self-esteem. Through psychotherapy, we can identify negative thought patterns and experiences that have contributed to our low self-esteem.

Psychotherapy not only helps us uncover the root of these problems, but also offers us tools to reshape our self-image and create a new, healthier narrative about who we are. Acceptance is a recurring theme in this process. Virginia Satir, a pioneer in family therapy, noted: “We cannot live with change if we do not accept it, and we cannot accept change if we do not accept ourselves.” Self-acceptance, then, is not a final goal, but an ongoing process that requires both reflection and action.

In many cases, addressing attachment style is crucial for improving self-esteem. People with insecure attachment often need to rebuild their beliefs about love and self-worth, and therapy provides a space to restructure those early experiences and develop a more secure attachment. It is essential to explore the person's traumatic experiences that may have contributed to this internalized negative self-image.

Furthermore, therapy can provide us with new interpersonal skills, allowing us to build healthier relationships and, consequently, improve our self-esteem through the support and mutual respect that these relationships generate.

5. 8 Keys to improving self-esteem

Improving self-esteem takes time and practice, but there are concrete steps you can take to begin this process. Here are 8 essential keys:

1. Challenge your negative thoughts: Identifying and modifying negative automatic thoughts is one of the most powerful tools. Ask yourself: Is this thought an interpretation or a fact? By challenging them, you can begin to build a more positive narrative. It's equally important to identify the internal parts of yourself that judge, criticize, or look down on you, and gradually give them less credence.

2. Practice self-compassion: Accepting our imperfections and trying to be kind to ourselves instead of punishing ourselves for mistakes is key to improving self-esteem. It's essential to develop inner qualities that allow us to look at ourselves with kindness and compassion.

3. Set realistic goals: Setting achievable goals will allow you to feel more effective and confident. Avoid impossible goals that only reinforce frustration.

4. Surround yourself with supportive people: The people around you have a big impact on your self-esteem. Seek out healthy relationships that provide you with security and respect.

5. Take care of your body and mind: Physical and emotional self-care reinforces the idea that you deserve attention. Sleeping well, eating right, and managing stress, as well as exercising and having enjoyable hobbies, will help you feel better about yourself.

6. Learn to say no: Setting boundaries is essential for your emotional well-being. Saying "no" to what harms you or is not good for you is an act of self-respect.

7. Remember your achievements: Make a list of your accomplishments, no matter how small. We often underestimate our progress and focus only on what we lack. Remembering your successes will allow you to change your perspective on what you are capable of achieving.

8. Reduce perfectionism: Perfectionism is one of the biggest enemies of healthy self-esteem. Allow yourself to make mistakes and learn to value yourself for the effort, not just the result. Accepting that you don't need to be perfect to be valuable is a crucial step.

Finally, remember, improving self-esteem isn't a linear process, nor does it have immediate results. It's about consistently working on your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, on a journey toward a better relationship with yourself. We need to take better care of our bodies and minds. The key is persistence and recognizing that, ultimately, your self-esteem is in your own hands. 

The idea of ​​self-care is common, but taking care of ourselves means putting ourselves first. And that can be easier said than done. Because when we do, we might feel guilty and ashamed.

1. Guilt regarding self-care.

Depending on our age, our social and religious background, and our values, putting others first can be a cornerstone of our culture. I was raised that way, too.   There's a lot to be said for selflessness and social awareness. But what I didn't acquire was the ability and responsibility to take care of myself.

I was so busy taking care of others, including some people who didn't need my help, that I neglected my own needs.

I felt safe assuming that the social code I was following meant others would look out for me when needed. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. It also means that being a good person doesn't guarantee good treatment. No. Naive as it may seem, that realization hit me much later in life.

If this has happened to you, you may have noticed the discomfort and disdain you felt when putting your own needs first. Why? Because we can be judged as selfish, arrogant, and antisocial.

So, prioritizing ourselves can make us feel uncomfortable, ashamed, and guilty.

2. What we do out of love.

Depending on how we were raised, we may have developed the belief that receiving love, praise, and recognition is tied to the care we show others. And often, despite all the care we show others, we don't receive the love we so desperately crave and deserve. So we try even harder. And still, it's not enough (apparently!). At this point, we can take prioritizing others to an extreme. Then, consciously or unconsciously, love and concern for others become conditional, tied to something we or others do: If you do X, you'll get love. But it never works. Because true love is unconditional.

The truth is, we all deserve love. Sadly, we are often led to believe otherwise.

The belief that we are not worthy of love is one of the most dangerous falsehoods that ruin our lives.

That's why so many of us find it easier to give praise than to receive it.

3. The moment of awakening

In the long run, focusing so much on others at the expense of our own needs can cause discomfort, disappointment, bitterness, and resentment. At some point, we discover that this issue of caregiving only has one side: ourselves. But we must accept our responsibility. It takes two for something like this to happen. If we always solve everything for others, how will they learn to be independent? When will they realize that we expect them to change their attitude toward us?

4. Making self-care happen. Change and conflict

We may fear, and it may have happened to us, that conflict will arise when we prioritize our own self-care. Especially with those who were used to us putting them first. If we withdraw attention, time, and resources from them, they notice and react. Who wouldn't? I   would feel the same way, wouldn't you? But in that case, I hope

Ask for an explanation and reflect on the one I receive.

Do not judge or accuse the other person of being selfish.

  Be understanding of the other person's needs, even if you're in a bad mood.

But I would survive, and   I would tell him: Good for you! You're finally taking care of yourself and being considerate!

5. The ability to take care of yourself

.Say no

Be consistent

.Delegate

Ask for help

Letting others take charge of their own lives

If we are not used to taking care of ourselves, it may take us a while to learn to tune in to our bodies, feelings, and mind, which will tell us what we need.

It can take some time to learn to trust your intuition and judgment.

That's because we have underutilized the complex and wise internal mechanism that provides us with inner guidance.

Don't get discouraged if it takes a while. Nothing is lost; everything will benefit you.

6. And finally: it's not a competition.

There can be a very fine line between caring for yourself and caring for others. They don't have to be mutually exclusive. A healthy balance should be achieved between the two. 

There are times when we choose to postpone our own needs in favor of those of others. But that cannot be permanent.

Self-care is not selfishness. It's being responsible for ourselves and others.

Without understanding and honoring this responsibility, your life will vibrate less and will have less color, energy, potential, balance, possibilities, love, and peace.

Why is personal care important?

In our society, where people are expected to work long hours and postpone vacations, there's a widespread belief that we must always be productive, which can rob you of opportunities to take care of yourself. However, taking time for self-care can help alleviate daily pressures, allowing you to recharge and return to a healthy state where you can maximize your productivity.

Living a life of constant work without taking breaks has serious consequences, including burnout, depression, anxiety, resentment, and many other negative repercussions. Clinically, engaging in a self-care routine has been proven to reduce or eliminate anxiety and depression, lower stress, improve concentration, minimize frustration and anger, increase happiness, boost energy, and produce many other positive effects. From a physical health perspective, self-care has been shown to reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease, heart attacks, and cancer. Spiritually, self-care may allow us to stay in tune with our higher power and, in turn, find our purpose in life.

Taking into account the obstacles

Perhaps one of the most common excuses people give for not engaging in self-care is a lack of time. While many of us lead busy lives, it's essential to carve out a moment for ourselves each day, even if it's just a short time. Another great thing about self-care is that it doesn't have to cost a penny. You can even do it in the comfort of your own home..

Keep in mind that self-care is all about you. What works for some people may not work for others, but that's the beauty of a self-care routine. Many suggestions you've received in the past haven't worked, but don't be discouraged. Encourage yourself to continue your search until you find the routine that suits you best. You must perform it consciously and regularly for it to have the greatest impact. Even if you only dedicate 5 minutes spread throughout the day, it's undoubtedly better than nothing. Over time, you'll notice a significant improvement in your overall health and well-being. Even if you're just starting, you'll be able to see some results almost immediately.

How to take care of yourself? Create a personalized care plan tailored to your specific needs.

When focusing on building a self-care plan, it can be helpful to consider the   eight dimensions of well-being  developed by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Although developed by professionals specializing in substance abuse, these dimensions conceptualize the domains of well-being that are relevant to everyone. These dimensions include:

• Emotional

• Environmental

• Financial

• Intellectual

• Occupational

• Physics

• Social

• Spiritual

These eight dimensions, if kept in a healthy balance, generally predict very high levels of well-being.

However, we still have a lot of work to do. Life is dynamic, and so are our dimensions of well-being. In challenging times, we can rely on and draw upon our strengths to move forward. When we only cultivate a few of these dimensions, we may find it difficult to do things that we used to do with ease.

Each of our plans will be different, but below you'll find some suggestions to consider in each area. You're free to modify, replace, or rethink your own routines as you go. Remember, this is about you.

• Emotional - Talk to someone, reflect, read, write in a journal, do something artistic, exercise, listen to music, go for a walk, watch a series or movie that reflects your mood (or that does the opposite and helps you change it), cry to let it out, hug someone, laugh, take a nap.

• Environmental - Go for a walk in a pleasant place, breathe fresh air, enjoy the sun, enjoy the night sky, pick up trash, reduce your waste, use reusable products, recycle, clean your house, redesign an environment in your home.

• Financial - Develop a practical financing plan, open a savings account, start saving (even if it's just $1 a day), try to save even more if you're already saving, invest, cut down on unnecessary purchases, think about how you can be more efficient, avoid credit cards, ask for a raise.

• Intellectual - Read, listen to audiobooks, watch documentaries, do crossword puzzles, be aware of the world around you, be curious, try something new, discover your artistic or creative side, start taking a class, finish a program of study, graduate.

• Occupational - Learn a trade, get your degree, train for a promotion, accept the promotion, prepare your resume, apply for your dream job, start doing something you enjoy, open your own business.

• Physical - Exercise daily, go for walks, eat healthily, get your annual health check-up, visit the dentist, take your medications correctly, avoid drugs and alcohol, sleep 7 to 9 hours, see a doctor when you don't feel well.

• Social - Get together with friends and family, reconnect with old friends, volunteer, go out, have fun, engage in healthy use of social media, radiate positivity, use technology when distance is an impediment, laugh a lot.

• Spiritual - Meditate, pray, reflect, do yoga, visit a spiritual place, do good things for others, be mindful, think about the purpose and meaning of your life, think about your higher power, love one another, help those in need.

Self-care is something you should do every day. This way, you can achieve a better balance in your well-being and improve your overall health and well-being. Life is beautiful, and you should enjoy it. 

In this article, we will explore the roots of that guilt when prioritizing ourselves, demystify the idea of ​​selfishness, and offer practical keys to cultivate conscious and guilt-free self-care.

The false dilemma between taking care of yourself and taking care of others

The belief that self-care is selfish stems from a dichotomous view of care, as if there were a scale where you can only choose between your own well-being and that of others. But in reality, no one can give what they don't have. When you take care of yourself, nourish yourself, listen to yourself, and respect yourself, you are better able to offer presence, empathy, and energy to others.

This is a key point in many therapies: self-care doesn't exclude the other person; it empowers them. If you neglect yourself in the name of love, you're cultivating a relationship with unstable roots: sooner or later, exhaustion, frustration, or resentment will emerge.

The emotional origin of guilt when taking care of oneself

1. Children's Learning

From a young age, many people have received messages such as "don't be selfish," "think of others first," or "being good makes others happy." These commands can have a profound impact, generating a self-image dependent on external validation.

2. Identity based on sacrifice

Some people build their identity around the role of caregiver or problem solver. “If they don’t need me, who am I?” For them, resting, setting boundaries, or prioritizing themselves can feel like betraying that identity.

3. Fear of rejection

Saying “no,” prioritizing needs, or expressing tiredness can trigger a deep fear of disappointing others, being abandoned, or no longer being loved. In many cases, this difficulty stems from insecure attachments or past experiences of neglect.

What is conscious self-care, really?

Mindful self-care goes far beyond an afternoon at the spa or a glass of wine at the end of the day. It involves an active, compassionate, and sustained relationship with yourself, based on listening, boundaries, and presence.

Conscious self-care is:

• Notice how you are physically and emotionally, without judgment.

• Decide what you need based on your internal state, not on what is expected of you.

• Make space for yourself without excuses or justifications.

• Support yourself through discomfort, don't just avoid it.

• Recognize your right to rest, to say no, and not to always be available.

Keys to taking care of yourself without feeling selfish

1. Question your beliefs about care

Ask yourself these questions:

• Where does the idea that taking care of myself is selfish come from?

• Who benefits from my always putting myself last?

• What self-care role models did I have in my childhood?

Identifying these commands is the first step to freeing yourself from them.

2. Rewrite the concept of selfishness

Not all selfishness is destructive. There is a "healthy selfishness" that recognizes that your needs matter, and that setting boundaries is not rejecting the other person, but including yourself in the equation.

True selfishness is expecting others to take care of your well-being. Self-care, on the other hand, is taking that responsibility yourself.

3. Learn to say no with compassion

Saying “no” doesn’t mean being harsh; it means being clear. You can refuse a request honestly and respectfully.

“I would love to help you, but I need to rest so I can get better.”

The guilt of saying no usually diminishes when you realize that the world doesn't collapse for setting a boundary.

4. Observe and regulate your internal dialogue

Often, guilt doesn't stem from what we do, but from how we interpret it . If every time you take a break you tell yourself "I'm lazy" or "I'm letting others down," you're sabotaging your self-care.

Practice kind inner speech:

“I’m tired/and I have the right to stop. Taking care of myself allows me to live with more balance.”

5. Incorporate realistic self-care rituals

You don't need grand gestures to take care of yourself. Consistency is key. Here are some examples:

• Breathe consciously for 5 minutes every morning.

• Take a screen-free break in the middle of the day.

• Write how you feel without censorship.

• Plan a “day for you” each month.

• Listen to your body before saying yes.

6. The body as a thermometer

Your body doesn't lie. Listen to your tension, your fatigue, your breathing. Your body is the first indicator that you need to take care of yourself , long before an emotional breakdown occurs.

Take breaks to feel, not just to think.

7. Practice self-empathy

Self-empathy is the art of putting yourself in your own shoes without judgment . You can do this by asking yourself:

• What would I need right now?

• What would someone who loves me say if they saw me like this?

• What would happen if I stopped demanding so much of myself?

When self-care becomes urgent: warning signs

Sometimes we start taking care of ourselves too late, when we're already on the verge of collapse. Some signs that you need to prioritize yourself now :

• Constant irritability.

• Physical ailments without a clear medical cause.

• Loss of motivation or enjoyment.

• Feeling of emptiness or disconnection.

• Difficulty sleeping or resting.

• Feeling of being "invisible" or only useful to others.

Don't wait until you're exhausted. Self-care isn't a reward, it's the foundation for living life to the fullest.

Self-care and relationships: you don't have to choose

We often believe that prioritizing ourselves will push others away. But the truth is, when you take care of yourself, you become more authentic, clearer, and more available by choice, not obligation.

The healthiest relationships are not built on sacrifice, but on reciprocity.

Practicing self-care allows you to be truly present: not from a place of obligation, but from a place of desire.

Closing: Taking care of yourself is an act of radical love

Taking care of yourself isn't about running away from your responsibilities or isolating yourself. It's about honoring your existence as something valuable , just as valuable as everyone else's.

Taking conscious care of yourself means living with more coherence, more connection, and more compassion , starting with yourself.