Have you ever said “yes” when you wanted to say “no”? Have you stayed silent for fear of upsetting someone? Have you felt bad for expressing what you really think? Behind these common situations lies a key psychological skill: assertiveness. But beyond a simple communication technique, assertiveness is also a reflection of healthy self-esteem. In this article, we explore how these two skills are related, how they influence each other, and why cultivating them can transform our relationships and our inner lives.
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to express opinions, needs, and feelings clearly, honestly, and respectfully, without being aggressive or submissive. It's not about imposing your will, but about saying what you feel or think without fear or guilt.
Imagine a scale of communication styles. At one end is passivity: remaining silent, always giving in, repressing feelings. At the other end, aggression: imposing, dominating, speaking without listening. Assertiveness is that point of equilibrium where we stand up for ourselves without crushing the other person.
And what does self-esteem have to do with this?
Self-esteem is the appreciation, respect, and value we feel for ourselves. It is the emotional foundation from which we relate to the world. A person with healthy self-esteem believes their needs are just as valid as anyone else's and, therefore, dares to express them.
So the connection is direct: the more we value ourselves, the easier it is to communicate clearly and stand up for our rights. And the more assertive we are, the more we reinforce that positive self-image. It's a virtuous cycle.
Low self-esteem: when silence is a way of disappearing
People with low self-esteem often have thoughts like:
“I don’t want to bother you.”
“I don’t have the right to ask for what I need.”
“If I say what I think, they’re going to get angry.”
These thoughts lead them to repress their emotions, to excessively conform to others, or to accept unfair situations. In the long run, this further erodes their self-esteem, creating a vicious cycle: the more they remain silent, the less they value themselves; the less they value themselves, the less they dare to speak out.
Healthy self-esteem: speaking clearly and respectfully
Strong self-esteem allows us to say "no" without feeling guilty, ask for help without feeling weak, and express our opinions without fear of rejection. A person with self-esteem doesn't need to be aggressive to stand up for themselves, nor do they need constant approval from others to feel secure.
Assertiveness, then, becomes a natural expression of self-love. It's a way of telling the world, "This is who I am, this is what I need, this is what I think," without disguise, without systematically giving in, or imposing your will out of fear.
Common obstacles to assertiveness
Irrational beliefs (“I must please everyone”, “if I refuse, I will be rejected”)
Rigid or authoritarian education
Experiences of rejection or ridicule when expressing oneself
Lack of assertive role models in childhood
Fear of conflict
How is this relationship addressed in therapy?
Many psychological approaches, especially those based on cognitive-behavioral therapy, help strengthen self-esteem while training assertiveness skills. Some common strategies include:
Identify personal rights (I have the right to say no, to make mistakes, to change my mind)
Detecting and questioning limiting beliefs
Learn assertive communication techniques (such as the "broken record" or constructive criticism)
Training responses to real-life situations through role-playing
Working on emotional recognition and regulation
Assertiveness is learned, and self-esteem is cultivated
Neither assertiveness nor self-esteem are innate quality. Both are developed. The good news is that it's never too late to learn to communicate with respect and self-appreciation. And doing so has transformative effects: it improves our relationships, makes us feel freer and more authentic, and strengthens the most important bond of all: the one we have with ourselves.
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